Codependency is more than a relationship problem. It hurts our psyche and individual development. Not make mistakes. It’s not our fault. The wounds of codependency are adaptive and helped us survive growing up in a dysfunctional family system. But that adjustment cost us our individuality, authenticity, and our future quality of life. The beliefs and behaviors we learned led to problems in adult relationships. In fact, they tend to recreate the dysfunctional family of our past.

The wounds of codependency begin in childhood

Codependency is learned and transmitted generationally. It begins in childhood, usually due to codependent parenting, which includes being raised by an addicted or mentally or emotionally ill parent. To survive, we must adapt to the needs, actions, and emotions of our parents at the expense of the development of an individual Self. Repetitive patterns shaped our personality style with supportive beliefs, which were learned and inferred from parents’ behavior. They were shaped by our immature minds as infants and toddlers in the context of total dependence on our parents. An example is: “I must not cry (or express anger) to be safe, hugged and loved.”

We develop a codependent personality, employing strategies of power, liking, or withdrawal to support dysfunctional parenting. Proper use of all of these is healthy, but codependents compulsively rely primarily on just one or two. In Conquering Shame and Codependency, I describe these coping mechanisms and personalities as The Master, The Usher, and The Observer.

Pediatrician and psychiatrist Donald Winnicott believed that early childhood trauma threatens the annihilation of the self. It is a disorienting impact that affects us on multiple systems. Trauma marginalizes thinking and misses our ability to successfully accomplish developmental tasks. Imagine a vulnerable baby having to overcome the threat of extinction while navigating interpersonal relationships, which should feel safe. He must be hyper-vigilant to anticipate and interpret parental reactions and adapt accordingly. Suffers normal interpersonal development. Instead, maintaining attachment becomes our priority while we still have to deal with ongoing relational trauma in childhood and later as adults.

Therefore, this accommodation system hinders the development of a fully embodied Self. Effective parenting requires that parents view their children as separate individuals. They must tune in, empathize, and honor your child’s experience. This allows us to feel safe and helps to develop an autonomous self. With codependent caregivers, instead, we tune in to them. We wickedly organize our state of mind to accommodate our parents.

For example, how can a child navigate safety and satisfy his need for love with an inattentive, anxious, critical, or controlling parent? An anxious or abusive parent makes us anxious and fearful. A controlling parent extinguishes self-confidence and initiative. A critical or nosy parent crushes us, producing insecurity and self-criticism. These early patterns skew our perception of ourselves, our work, and our relationships. All of these and other dysfunctional parenting styles breed shame – that we are bad, inadequate, and unlovable.

The cost of codependency

The first insecure bonds with caregivers require that we put aside our spontaneous felt experience. Over time, our personality and reactions solidify. Our ability to self-reflect, process new information, adjust, and respond is impaired. Our reactions stiffen and our cognitive distortions feel absolute.

Consequently, our individual development is hampered by the selective inclusion and exclusion of data that could provide conflicting information. We develop a template of “shoulds” and restrictions that operate beyond our consciousness. We do this because, on an archaic psychic level, the alternative seems scary that we risk losing our connection with another person (i.e., parents) and with people in general. In support of this, we project our parents’ reactions onto other people.

For example, some of my clients have impaired perceptions of their attractiveness and cannot be persuaded otherwise. Some may undergo unnecessary cosmetic surgery despite the consensus that they are beautiful. Similarly, for many codependents, setting limits or asking about their needs feels selfish. They have a strong resistance to doing so, even though they are being exploited by a selfish, narcissistic, or abusive partner.

The challenge of recovery

The antecedents of our codependent personality are buried in our past. For many of us, it began in childhood. Some of us remember a normal childhood and we are unable to identify what went wrong. Therefore, our thoughts and reactions are unquestionable and are obstacles to learning from experience. In addition, the effect of trauma on the nervous system makes it difficult and scary to discover our feelings. Modifying our reactions and behavior feels dangerous.

We continue to behave in accordance with the early accommodation system that operates outside of our consciousness. We are guided by beliefs that we never question, such as common codependent beliefs, “If I am loved, then I am lovable” and “If I am vulnerable (authentic), I will be judged and rejected.” “In addition, we interpret our experiences in ways that strengthen archaic and fallacious beliefs. An unreturned text message confirms that we have upset someone. This can even happen in therapy when we want to please our therapist or fear their dislike, boredom, or abandonment. Inattention from a friend (or therapist) shows that we are a burden and / or unpleasant.

In intimate relationships, instead of questioning whether a partner satisfies our needs or is capable of loving, we conclude that the problem is us. Our reactions to our wrong beliefs can perpetuate or aggravate the problems we are trying to remedy. We could unquestionably repeat that pattern in later relationships.

Freud’s death wish is nothing more than a shame reaction to a punitive critic who rigidly throws out commandments that mimic an abusive or controlling parent or that developed as a child to avoid the terror of emotional abandonment. Our inner dictates overwhelm our spontaneity and ability to experience the full range of our emotions, particularly joy. When our normal reactions to parental behavior are frequently embarrassed, eventually we cannot access them. We become numb and live an “as if” life that covers anger, despair, and emptiness.

The recovery process

We can heal our childhood trauma. In recovery, we learn missing skills, self-love, and healthy responses. Learning thrives in a safe and non-judgmental environment, different from the brutalizing one we grew up in that continues to dominate our minds. We need an atmosphere that welcomes experimentation and spontaneity where we can challenge the prohibitions embedded in our unconscious. Follow these steps:

1. Seek therapy with a competent therapist.

2. Attend Codependents Anonymous meetings and work with a sponsor.

3. Re-familiarize yourself with your feelings and needs. This can be a difficult process. Feelings live in the body. Pay attention to subtle changes in your posture, gestures, and moods and feelings, such as deflated, numb, anger, guilt, anxiety, hopelessness, and shame. Especially watch for sudden changes from feeling confident to insecure and present to numb or distracted. You may have moved from your real self to your codependent personality – how you felt in childhood.

4. Explore the triggers that change your mood and feelings and your associated beliefs, thoughts, and memories.

5. Do the Codependency for Fools and Conquering Shame exercises to speed up this process.

6. Challenge your beliefs. See “Deprogramming codependent brainwashing.”

7. Write down and confront negative self-talk. Use the 10 Steps to Self-Esteem e-Workbook to challenge your beliefs and your inner critic.

8. Experiment, play, and try new things.

© DarleneLancer 2020