Sitting on the edge of the bed, listening, words without sound that only provoke horrible images that you never wanted to ask yourself, in your mind you are trapped.
There is nothing more painful, apart from death, to hear that the person you are in love with and that you love tells you that they have had an affair or that they have been intimate with another. We listen to the stories and sometimes we even witness the betrayal, but we never want to venture to think that it could ever happen to us “I, no, we have something special and I would know it right away.”
A friend once told me that it had been so long since her girlfriend had touched her that she just thought it was stress and the natural progression of a relationship to stop being passionate, so when she got home she found her girlfriend on the stairs With the car full, she felt confused. On sight, he said he should have seen the signs, but I said “how could you? Who wants to see that coming?” she smiled and replied gently “it would have been nice to prepare for the pain”.
I guess it’s a lot like a natural disaster, we hear the alarms and sirens go off, but there’s really nowhere to hide or know the damage it will do. We may think we are prepared, but until we see the destruction, we really won’t know.
Feelings of abandonment, anguish, shame and anger take over and recovery seems so far away and irreparable that part of our spirit is left behind forever. The number of lesbian couples affected by infidelity is unknown, again there is little research or studies being done in this area; However, we know that it is something that affects us deeply and the lack of support from society and our community has a great impact on our healing or lack of it.
Most lesbian relationships will not survive infidelity, as women have a harder time separating sex from emotions and will generally develop a bond with the woman they are having the affair with. Forgiveness is difficult to establish in situations like this, as the person cannot forget the affair, as the relationship may not be based solely on sexual intercourse.
The adventure is then the beginning of the end of the relationship and finds a way out through another. We are known as partners in serial monogamy, jumping from one relationship to the next with no time to heal. This is an unfortunate part of our community as it breeds unhealthy people and relationships. Even before we have erased the image of our ex-partner with another naked woman in our heads, we are already in bed with another woman with all our baggage hurt, distrustful and vulnerable.
I feel that it is even more painful for lesbians when a relationship ends because of an affair, as we feel isolated from our communities and society, it is even more lonely when our partner, our friend, leaves. Some of us have left our families, lost friends, and changed entire lives to be with a woman and being abandoned can be ruined. We trust our lover so much that when he finishes he blinds him.
Here are some tips for tackling the topic of infidelity:
- From the beginning, sit down and discuss your own personal thoughts on fidelity and what your limits and rules will be as individuals in this relationship.
- Ask yourself the history of others, as past behaviors are a good predictor of future behavior. Yes, people can change, but repetition is a problem.
- Give yourself time to heal. Try not to jump into another relationship, without answering all the haunting questions from your past and without working out a plan for your future.
- Work on rebuilding your self-esteem. Going through an adventure can leave us with a skewed view of ourselves.
- Spend time with friends and family, or even hit the gym, join any club to start building your social support network.
- In your new relationship, create a safe space that allows you to be vulnerable, emotionally and sexually exposed in a loving and respectful way.
- Work on forgiveness and trust. You cannot forgive or trust that you cannot be open to letting another love you more deeply.
You will survive the pain, you will change and the choice is yours, the direction you take. You can choose to become resentful and angry at the world or you could learn and discover where the healing of your past should occur, focus more and determine what you want and what you will not miss out on.
Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru