Can you imagine if the next time you pass a billboard on your way to work, you see an ad for a cologne that smells like food? How about Kate Moss standing next to a giant cheeseburger and holding her little perfume bottle saying “Now I don’t need to go to McDonald’s anymore to get that great scent.”

Why don’t people want to smell like the food they love? After all, it’s the smell of Thanksgiving dinner that makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside, and doesn’t the smell of sushi make you feel adventurous, young, and hip? The aroma of coffee on its own is really refreshing, so why not save ourselves from the dangerous caffeine and just spray ourselves with the aroma of Starbucks?

Instead we opt for aromas of floral infusions and exotic spices. Maybe that will make a woman’s head spin, but what about men? Wouldn’t the smell of a juicy steak walking down the street make a man turn his head? Instead, women are busy worrying about how to get the smell of all that cooking out of clothes that have sat in the kitchen too long. It seems like the most logical answer would be that most men want to eat steak when they smell it in the first place. No girl wants to go around advertising a tempting meal and then turn out to be a disappointing… well, woman.

Second, is there really a way to mimic the smell of food fresh out of the oven? Would the fragrance rot after some time? I can see someone saying “well this used to be eau de filet mignon but apparently it went wrong…”. Or maybe the food companies would sue. The population would be so satisfied with just the aroma of champagne and strawberries that no one would feel the need to go out and buy anything! Supermarkets should start presenting an island of perfumes!

Also, I suppose there is no way to spread the aroma of a burger outside of the grill. Although I have heard of bakeries releasing an artificial scent that lures customers into believing that the perfect cakes in the window will match that amazing smell. I myself have witnessed such a bakery, which after following my nose to the place, discovered that the cakes tasted nothing like the aroma emanating from the walls. And of course I had to taste everything, not just the cakes to make sure I didn’t accidentally spill anything. This is a brilliant publicity scheme, if not completely manipulative.

But perfume that smells like food would have to be properly labeled, with huge letters warning that the contents of the bottle should not be ingested. All that alcohol could possibly do some harm. Yes, that actually makes more sense. The perfume has such power that it would attract everyone to immerse the contents of its appetizing aroma that no one could resist. The trials would be unbearable. Better stick to fresh foods and safe fragrances and give up hope of ever smelling like a burger and fries!