”Mommy, mommy, mommy come ooo, yellow anty is dragging broda Ezeashi’s ‘handbrake’ oooo. She says she’d cut off his ‘lugi’ ooo she’s dragging it like she wants to take it off.”

Little Kelechukwu ran off in the direction from which he had come. I followed immediately, my inner instinct telling me that Eziashi Austine was at it again, but this time I was going to tell him what he thought. The fact that he is the only male in the family should not be a yardstick for him to always misbehave. If he wasn’t smoking Igbo in the bathroom, he’d be drinking Alomo in the kitchen, or smelling daddy’s snuff in the cupboard… in a house full of children! havana, he was getting too much, who knows what he has done this time.

kelechukwu stopped in front of Austin’s room, I also stopped. My nose caught a strange smell, something smelled like cucumbers in oil (not the Anambra kind).

I peered into the room, intending to catch the rogue off guard. It seemed like I was deep in a heated argument with someone, I quickly opened the door to avoid any physical confrontation.

”walahi, my moni must be completed before I leave here…if not, heaven will receive a visitor without a third leg and Insah Allah, I know it would not be me.

I opened my mouth in shock, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Standing menacingly close to Austin was a tall, very clean blonde girl, as fresh as a yellow papaya, she was dressed like one of those girls in the Playboy mansion, and by the gods! She had Austin’s ‘Handbrake’ in her lean, firm hands!

From the looks of things, Austin wasn’t enjoying the ‘wank’. His face was contorted like the ‘yansh’ of a mallam when he is ‘shitting’ hard shit. His eyes looked at me pleadingly, begging me to come to his aid.

I quickly ran to separate the fighting duo.

“Ka chineke ne me si ugwu… What the hell is going on here?

eeeeehhhh… young lady, do you want to kill my only brother for me?

Can someone tell me what’s going on here?” I yelled.

Austin began to mutter incomprehensibly between heavy gasps.

‘is… this, this, they were almajiri…

The girl immediately interrupted him…

“Auntie, tell this useless brother of yours to pay me my money ooo, let him pay me my 100 thousand before the heavy kasala is unleashed here today ooo…with.”

You know the part where they say ‘Blood is thicker than water? Well, it’s actually very true because even though Austin was wrong, the blood in me prompted me to stand up for him.

“Abeg Abeg Abeg… Who is your aunt? Hey, answer me! May Thunda break the balls that produced the filthy mouth you just used to call my brother useless… Are you crazy please if you don’t know What?” to talk just shut up and get out!

The young woman was taken by surprise, she calmed down and tearfully explained what happened the night before… I was shocked beyond expression.

I paused, looking from person to person, my mouth slowly dropping open as the situation of things began to unfold.

It seemed that Austin had regained his strength, so I asked him to explain his own side of the ‘Nigerian movie’ unfolding before me…

“Auntie, don’t listen to this criminal oooo… I saw her on the street, I toasted her oooo and she agreed to be my friend. We got home and ‘helped each other’ now she is asking for money. I told her she told him ‘I liked her better for free’, real men don’t pay for sex, why should I? After all, she enjoyed it too.”

“Thunder fire you dirty mouther!…Free…eehhhh! He will be like say you crazy, who do you toast to? I’m like your level to you? Boy, if you don’t pay me my money sharp sharp gbege go gas over here na na” yelled the girl now very wild.

The little kelechi laughed… ‘Uncle pays him money oooo… don’t you know that even touching the body doesn’t add money for the market?

Come closer your dirty mouth day, I yelled… the little boy kept laughing while Austin ran to hide behind me. The young rascal lacked the courage of a man, but he was always doing things intended for strong men.

Nedu eeeee (I called him by his pet name) uh…so this is what you do now? Is this what you spend the little pocket money I give you? now you bring prostitutes home eh. Austin oooo where did you learn this ooo…

“Ehhhn abeg abeg abeg I won’t be a prostitute ooo I’m a professional sex therapist please I refuse and I refuse to be treated like an abeg prostitute” the blonde girl replied.

‘Ehhhh, ooo kids, the wonders will never end. So prostitution has now gone professional, chai…what won’t I see in this country, I said as I crossed my arms over my ‘pimple’ of breast.

I turned to my very frightened brother; Austin, are you employing the services of a sex therapist now? I asked the scared young man with my finger pointing at his ‘handbrake’

‘hmmmm…well, since you enjoyed the services of this young lady, I think you should pay her well without further delay because ‘where the person works I’m dey chop’…saying that, I closed the door on them and dragged kelechi far from a scene that was obviously going to get complicated.

Two hours later, Austin arrived in the backyard with a swollen eye and missing his gold wristwatch and necklace.

”chai aunt… walahi, Kano girls are crazy people oooo, that girl almost killed me…

I looked at him blankly, although he did the wrong thing, but I simply did not dare to rebuke the young rascal. He was sweet and looked so innocent, besides being the only brother he had. I just wished I could change him so that he was the responsible young man my father always wanted him to be…

As I stood there looking at it, my mind went back to my younger days as a teenager. He was roughly the same age as Eziashi Austine when I met Obinna, he was every woman’s dream… tall, handsome, dark ebony in color, with a smile that could melt even Jessica Korchia’s heart. I had instantly fallen in love with him.

Obinna did things most guys wouldn’t dare to do…he cooked me surprise meals, rinsed my clothes while I washed them, and even put on my makeup every morning. Her generosity knew no bounds to both me and my friends. I felt on top of the world… like Queen Elizabeth on Mount Everest…

Everything was fine and smooth between us until I missed my period…then I saw a whole new Obinna, a beast in the flesh of Prince Charming.