Haunted by your spouse’s affair, you, like many victims of cheating husbands, may find that you are continually comparing yourself to the other woman. Your internal dialogue may sound very similar to this:

“She must be prettier than me.”

“I bet her body is firmer, fitter and healthier than mine, I’ve really gotten carried away.”

“She’s certainly interesting, elegant and witty, it’s no wonder I couldn’t resist her.”

“I’m not exciting enough to hold anyone’s interest.”

As if discovering the matter along with the sordid details weren’t enough, you are now plagued by a barrage of negative thoughts and emotions, directed at you, from you. In this particular article, I will provide you with some techniques to put an end to this irrationality and encourage you to be your most trusted friend.

The damaging impact of cheating on your self-esteem

An avalanche of destructive self-talk adds to the confusion and anxiety you are currently experiencing about yourself, your spouse, and the circumstances of your relationship.

It is quite normal for you to feel a certain level of doubt when you first discover your husband’s extramarital affair. But when a conversation similar to the one mentioned above turns into a repetitive and hellish tune playing inside your head, you put yourself in the critical position of being a judge, jury and executioner every day, for your own respect.

Right after an affair, he is faced with the loss of trust in the marital relationship. Finding out that her spouse got out of the marriage, for whatever ill-fated reason, is a serious blow to her self-esteem. So, in addition to her trust issues with her husband, she begins to lose faith in her own image, possibly wondering, “Am I who she thought she was?”

Working through the aftermath of an affair, you find that you are questioning the things you took for granted in your life. This may consist of your own image of yourself as you re-evaluate everything you previously trusted as “simple truth.”

This is an incredibly frustrating period in your personal life, without a doubt. Your world seems as if it is in fragments. Yet every day you keep trying to fit these fragments back together and move on in your personal life.

Here are some techniques to help you on your way, focusing on where the journey should begin: within yourself.

Step One: Keep Track of Your Self Dialogue

After the revelation of the extramarital relationship, without a doubt your imagination and emotions are continuously flowing. You already know that you feel bad and you also understand that your thoughts correspond to how you feel.

It is vital to understand exactly what that internal dialogue may sound like. Keep track of what you are saying to yourself in these conversations.

Step Two: Get the Other Woman Out of Her Position

To survive infidelity, you need to stand up for yourself when you find that you are comparing yourself to her. It is you who defines your views and emotions, and absolutely no one can take that away from you.

If the other woman, who in your own mind you’ve created to be some kind of earthbound goddess, had actually been that wonderful, she wouldn’t have gotten involved with a married man. Talk to yourself about this regularly.

Step Three: Recreate your mental image of the other woman

Now that you’ve pushed the other woman off the pedestal, add some fun with this figure. Keep in mind that your ideas are yours and it is really you who gives them meaning. This need not be inauspicious so much as an effort to deflate your existing mental images of her. But these are her own thoughts, and she is allowed to use whatever tools she can to survive an affair in her marriage.

Do you want to know if she is more beautiful? Put on a witch hat with that visual image, make the woman’s nose bigger and add a giant wart. Give him an ugly raggedy hairstyle and a green complexion.

Are you wondering if this woman is more resourceful than you? Give her a creepy, squawking laugh, so that every time she starts picturing you with her husband telling a good joke, she can hear her ji-haw or her laugh.

Step Four – Get Back on the Pedestal

When trying to survive an adventure, it’s time to become your best ally. Take inventory of all your wonderful features. You are generous, caring and have a fantastic legacy. Once you’ve built up your list of good features, read them all over often.

Every time images of the other woman come up and you start comparing yourself to her, get your list and go through it out loud.