Lying on the hallway floor, my skirt hanging, punching and kicking, I wrestled Tina before a crowd of my high school classmates, including a dozen kids from my class. Tina was a gang member who had recently transferred from another school. She and her henchmen had taunted and insulted me all week. She started again, shoving me to our adjacent lockers. I finally had enough, I pushed her back and we ended up fighting on the ground.

Before we hurt each other, the girls’ vice president escorted us to her office. Tina was kicked out. I was relieved that only my modesty was marred… until I returned home. Then I was mortified to discover a small tear in my panties! My flaw, symbolized by that imperfection, had been exposed. This is the essence of shame.

It may feel like wearing dirty underwear.that everyone can see. Probably no one saw the butt in my panties. Still, I imagined that everyone was making fun of me even though no one mentioned the incident. I wanted to hide. how could face those kids in class day after day?

“Save face” or “lose face” means to protect one’s honor or suffer misfortune. It is the shame that haunts us for hours or years after humiliation, rejection, or a feeling of inadequacy.

no one wants to be called shameless. That’s because it’s normal to have a certain level of shame. Its origins lie in our overriding need for others to be acceptable and accepted, which provides a sense of inner security and protection. Shame encourages us to adhere to socially accepted norms, such as basic manners and grooming.

what is shame

Shame differs from embarrassment. We feel embarrassed when our mistake can happen to anyone, like being late. It is also distinguished from guilt, which is something that did that violates our ethical or moral standards. When we feel guilty, we can make amends, but shame makes us feel irredeemable, because it’s about WHO are.

Like me, embarrassment is usually associated with exposure in front of others, but an audience is not necessarily required. More often, shame is caused by how we think about ourselves. It is silent and secret. No one needs to be present to evoke our private angst and self-criticism. Us conceived others see what we do when we measure our experienced self against the self we want others to see.

How “Toxic” Shame Differs From Ordinary Shame

This is true even for the things others don’t know about our private thoughts or dreams that we consider selfish, stupid, or crazy. One of her with a beautiful voice she felt deep shame over her secret desire to sing professionally, because her father, an opera singer, constantly corrected her and made her feel inadequate. That paternal shame prevented him from developing her talents professionally from her. Another acquaintance wanted to be a talk show host, but he deemed her dream too grand to pursue.

We can literally interpret any aspect of ourselves—our appearance, income, status, feelings, or behavior—as a reflection of our inadequacy. We might feel disgust for our body that prevents us from going swimming with friends. If we feel stupid about running out of gas, we won’t tell our boss why we’re late. We might feel unworthy and not take a vacation or ask for a raise. When we feel like a failure for not solving a problem or achieving a goal, we may give up. Or we feel pathetic for being “too sensitive,” grieving “too long,” or undesirable when we’re alone, so we stifle our emotions instead of talking about them. Despite obvious beauty, we can feel unattractive and no one can convince us otherwise.

This is toxic or internalized shame. It lurks in the unconscious, undermines self-esteem, and creates anxiety and chaos in our lives. The magnitude of feeling different, inadequate, or inferior can be unbearable. It is the feeling of being a bad and unworthy person. Toxic shame sabotages our relationships, our success, and our ability to enjoy life. It can be chronic and take over our identity and ability to enjoy life, undermining confidence in ourselves and in the world.

Internalized shame is an open wound from childhood that seeps into our psyche and spreads like a virus to everything we think and do. It creates false beliefs about ourselves that others cannot disprove and silently eats away at our spontaneity and confidence. This differs from ordinary shame in the following ways:

1. Our own thoughts can trigger shame without the need for an external event or exposure to another person.
2. Negative feelings last much longer.
3. The feelings and pain associated with shame are more intense.
4. It leads to worsening shame spirals that cause depression and feelings of hopelessness and despair.
5. We have a negative “shame story” about ourselves that originated in childhood.
6. Embarrassing events and childhood beliefs don’t need to be remembered (and usually aren’t).
7. It creates shame and anxiety about re-experiencing judgment, rejection, and shame.
8. It can overcome our personality and be always present.
9. Alternatively, you can remain unaware, but become defensive and sensitive to criticism, or anything we perceive as embarrassing, such as talking too much or too little, making mistakes, showing emotion, receiving too much or too little attention, trying new things. , or look silly.
10. It creates deep feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, or in some way not being loved.
11. It causes low self-esteem and codependency.
12. It can lead to other problems, such as aggression, post-traumatic stress disorder, perfectionism, depression, eating disorders, and addiction.

cicatrization

Fortunately, we can cure toxic shame. That doesn’t mean we never feel it. Instead, shame takes its rightful place among our many emotions and no longer controls or overwhelms us. We can stay present and not lose our connection to others. If we still feel ashamed, we can talk about what happened and question our mistaken beliefs. Sharing shame diminishes it. We realize that our imperfections make us human as we learn to compassionately accept ourselves.

©DarleneLancer 2019