I know the feeling of panic in the pit of your stomach when you know you’re up against the clock if a potential divorce is on the horizon. I have lived through this. And I was so certain that once the ink on our divorce papers dried, my husband, the person I loved most in this world, would be gone from my life forever. So I know you might be tempted to go all out or try something desperate to stop the divorce. But, I can also tell you from experience that this will often backfire and make reconciliation more difficult in the end.

In my experience there is a much better way to get it back. And it doesn’t include ultimatums, pleas, or even legal maneuvering. It just includes understanding male psychology and playing the game to win. I will explain this more in the next article.

Using any doubts he may have about the divorce to his advantage: I have a blog where I share the story of how I was able to share my marriage. In fact, I have many husbands who email me and tell me that deep down they’re not sure if divorce is the right thing to do. But, they just can’t imagine things getting better.

In my experience, very few people divorce, trial split, or separate with absolute certainty that it is the right thing to do. Instead, a divorce (or the threat of one) is usually like throwing your hands out the window because you feel like you have no options.

It is important to understand this, because that doubt leaves you a little wiggle room. Of course, you shouldn’t just come right out and say this. Just keep in mind that by implementing the tactics I am on top of the scheme. I want you to remember this because the cornerstone of this plan is trust. Therefore, if you go into this certain that you must perform miracles to change your mind, you will not be able to achieve the self-confidence that is needed. But if you know in your heart that he is likely to feel some doubt or regret, his mindset will be much more conducive to what he needs to convey.

Understand what he really wants from you: Many wives believe that they have to be subservient or become second-class citizens in marriage to attract their husbands. They make all kinds of promises and assure the husband that they can “make him happy.”

In truth, no one can “make” another person do something. But you can create an atmosphere and experiences that are conducive to happiness. Husbands are not attracted to women who beg, compromise, bargain desperately, etc. You will have a much better chance of success if you come across as confident, capable, and able to deal with the situation.

It is human nature to want what you cannot have. Don’t confuse this with walking away or acting like you’ve washed your hands. Instead, make it clear that you would very much like to save the marriage, but that you respect whatever decision he makes and that you will do what is best without him. And really, this is the part that often works.

Get moving instead of getting depressed: Once again, it is very important that you show confidence with class at this time. She doesn’t let her husband see (or know) that she is sitting on the couch with Ben and Jerry’s and watching old movies. Instead, she go out and have some fun (or at least act like you do). Very often this will answer you.

Another good tactic is to go out and meet up with mutual friends. This will definitely respond to her and most likely pique her interest. Many wives ask me if they should let their husbands think they are seeing or interested in someone else. My opinion on this is no. If he thinks or comes to this conclusion for himself, so be it. But, you really want to present yourself as a wife who still loves her husband but is vibrant enough to make the most of it.

Create positive experiences that can change this: Your number one goal right now is to transform your husband’s perception of you from negative to positive. So when her new attitude sparks her interest, she wants to use that as an opportunity to create positive insights and experiences. Make every encounter and interaction count. Be very careful how you are portraying yourself. You want to show him that you are still the happy, vibrant, exciting woman he first fell in love with so that she wants to see you more.

And you want to slowly build positive interactions. Always move slowly. Don’t push. Don’t be needy or doubtful. All of these things trigger negative emotions, which you simply cannot afford at the moment.