Strong-willed people succeed, but stubborn ones often sabotage success. Stubborn people can be fiercely stubborn in their opinions and in the pursuit of their goals, ignoring what other people think and need. They often proudly force their will despite obstacles or negative implications. Their behavior has obsessive-compulsive qualities in that they can’t let go and it is an obstacle to overcoming codependency and addiction.

Conversely, a strong-minded person accepts life on life’s terms, which provides a solid foundation for constructive and effective action that is thoughtful and non-compulsive.

own will
One of the codependents, psychiatrist Timmen Cermak, believed that codependents and addicts “control their lives by sheer force of will.” The book Alcoholics Anonymous attributes the phrase “self-will runs riot” to selfishness, “driven by fear, self-delusion, selfishness, and self-pity.” When we are motivated by our own will, we can deny reality and good advice and manipulate people and events to achieve our goal. We are willing to take risks that may provoke retaliation or jeopardize job security, peace of mind and relationships. Some addicts, narcissists, or sociopaths lie, exploit others, and act unethically or illegally to achieve their goals.

Codependency and Control
Control is a main symptom of codependency addiction and codependency. Codependents have a dysfunctional relationship with their will. Sometimes we are passive and do not exercise it effectively. Some of us have never learned to state our wants and needs or to make decisions. Instead, we do not act or relinquish control or submit to others.

Other times, we try to force our will on people and situations over which we are powerless. We have a hard time accepting reality and believing that things should be different. Our denial leads to anger and resentment. We get easily frustrated when things don’t turn out the way we expected or when people don’t behave the way we think they should. There is a certain amount of pride and arrogance in this assumption. Psychiatrist Abraham Twerski adds that the addictive thinking that underlies controlling behavior exemplifies “a delusion of omnipotence.”

Because we lack a sense of power in our lives, we try to manipulate and control the lives of others. Instead of taking responsibility for our own happiness, which would be empowering, our attention is external and focused on changing others and forcing solutions. We have not learned to attend to our needs in a direct and assertive way, but we try to control others to feel good. We think: “I will change it (or change) so that it does what I want, and then I will be happy.” This behavior is based on the mistaken beliefs that we can change others and that our happiness depends on them. But when our expectations are not met, we feel more helpless and powerless.

By trying to change things we can’t, we are exerting fruitless efforts in unproductive ways, often creating more problems and feelings of hopelessness and victimization. It’s hard enough to change ourselves! The first step of Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous addresses control, which suggests that we admit our powerlessness over the things we cannot control.

The cause of obstinacy
Codependents generally grow up in families where power is exercised over them in a dominance-submission pattern. When personal power and self-esteem are not fostered, we come to believe that we have neither. We are afraid of our own power and that it will alienate other people. In order to feel safe and loved, we learn to accommodate and please people. Repeating this pattern in adult relationships can lead to unhappiness and abuse or exploitation.

On the other hand, some children decide that the best way to feel safe and have their needs met is to exercise power. They are rebellious or aggressively seek power over others. In hierarchical families, children also imitate controlling parents by dominating and teasing siblings. They treat others as they have been treated. This strategy creates fear and resentment in relationships and causes other people to withdraw or behave passive-aggressively.

volunteer vs. strong will
To have a strong will is to have a strong mind. In many ways, it is the opposite of being stubborn or codependent. While stubbornness stems from fear and insecurity, strong-minded people have confidence and security. This fundamental difference explains the ways in which these personality types are different.

willful controllers
Fear is what makes stubborn people stubborn. They are so afraid of losing something or someone that they are forced to control situations. That’s why they also ignore sage advice, critical feedback, or contrary facts that threaten their shaky self-esteem or present obstacles to achieving their goal.

Some stubborn people refute all authority and will stop at nothing to get their way. Their tactics can range from manipulation to crime. They believe that they are right and they strive to achieve their goals, but their way of thinking and their insecurities limit them. Fearing failure, they procrastinate and become paralyzed by seeking perfection and focusing on limitations and obstacles. They may deny their fear and impulsively take unwarranted risks, or be risk averse and unwilling to try new things. They can be so compulsively stubborn that they are blind to alternative solutions and new opportunities, as well as possible adverse consequences.

Stubborn people are die-hard negotiators who insist on winning every point. They may nag and argue relentlessly in an attempt to persuade the unconvinced. They can lose perspective and miss important aspects of a deal. They may prevail, but they lose opportunities, relationships, and their reputation. In the long run, a cooperative partnership and working on an ongoing venture is much more valuable.

Fear makes people behave compulsively and are unable to be flexible and let go. Their anxiety can cause them to overthink things, become easily distracted, and avoid acting and making decisions by procrastinating or wasting time with busy, unproductive work.

strong willed influencers
On the contrary, strong-willed people are confident and have nothing to prove. They are clear about their purpose and goals and prioritize their time and activities. They are decisive risk takers and do not procrastinate, seek validation, or wait for permission. Consequently, they are uninhibited by the fear of failure, disapproval, or rejection. Without fear, they are willing to take the initiative. They don’t mind being different or making mistakes. Instead of fearing the embarrassment that failure could cause, they evaluate and learn from their mistakes. Their confidence also makes them unafraid to experiment and think outside the box. For example, because they are open-minded and not compulsive, they can allow their imagination to come up with new directions and creative solutions.

They are performance oriented and focus on solutions and getting things done. As the Serenity Prayer suggests, they accept what they cannot change and have the courage to change what they can. Therefore, they engage when necessary to move projects forward. Confidence keeps their ego in check, so they are willing to learn and adapt. They seek cooperation and influence from others, but they don’t waste time trying to control or argue with people who resist.

It’s a fact that successful people say “no” a lot. They value the time they spend with others and with themselves. As a result, strong-willed people are clear about their boundaries with themselves and with other people. Your energy is focused and purposeful. They have the persistence and self-discipline to achieve their goals, whether it’s learning a new skill, cleaning out the garage, or building a business. Their strong will allows them patience, presence, and the ability to defer gratification. They don’t waste time with counterproductive habits or addictive behaviors.

Strong-minded people do not lose sight of the big picture, including the moral dimensions. Firm boundaries protect your values ​​and integrity. They do not tolerate bad behavior from other people out of fear. They are firm about what is important to them, but also flexible and able to listen and ask questions.

Become a strong mind
Healing codependency and becoming more independent develops our will, which is largely disabled by fear and anxiety. Shame generates insecurity, fear and anxiety. Conquering Shame and Raising Your Self-Esteem empowers you with resilience and confidence.

© Darlene Lancer 2020