This article on parenting teens will focus on chores and responsibilities, facilitating open discussion, rewarding positive behavior (and ignoring negative), and engaging in negotiation. Despite what teens say they want, they work best with a structure sprinkled with creativity. This means that parents must be clear about requirements and responsibilities, but there must be room for negotiation. Despite our obsession with all things technical (yes, you parents too); in fact, we benefit from lively discussion and learn many social skills as a result. These abilities will become extinct if we do not honor them. So, turn off your laptops, desktops, phones, pagers, tablets, TVs, and carry on.

1. Young people need chores and responsibilities. These should be ready with your ability. Putting responsibilities into action sooner results in more successful patterns throughout a person’s life. These could include, but are not limited to, teenagers who prepare their own lunches, their beds, wash the dishes, take out the garbage, walk dogs, and patrol the backyard poop. It is your job as a parent to make it clear to them how you want these items to be accomplished by giving them clear and sequential instructions on more than one occasion. (Try to remember, children really do try to achieve what is expected, but they can’t read minds.) It’s also appropriate for teens to set the table, fold clothes, and keep their room in reasonable condition. As the years progress, these responsibilities can increase in complexity. (However, there is a delicate balance between reasonable expectations and being an unpaid servant and nanny.) For example, young people should not be in charge of the home or completely responsible for their younger siblings. Their brains are not conceptually developed to make adult decisions that could result in errors of judgment. Developing a chore chart can support successful outcomes, especially with youth who fit the hyperactive spectrum. As a side note, helping you with chores has two benefits. Children will lighten your responsibility and allow for more family activities.

two. Facilitate and participate in lively family discussions with your children. This can be achieved in several ways. Having weekly family meetings is one option. Having dinner together as often as possible (with electronic devices, for parents and youth, turned off), is vital! As difficult as it is for most parents, that means two things. First, parents have to learn to listen to the subtext of their children’s conversations. In other words, what are they not saying? Also, what behavior do you want to see in your youth? Many parents model bad behavior for their children or never tell them what their expectations are. Is it any wonder kids try these behaviors because they think they’re a good alternative, because the peer pressure is too much to bear, or because they don’t understand what you want? Second, tell them that drugs, alcohol, smoking, and sex are off limits! And tell them why! One specific tool that is very useful for engaging your family in conversation is to create a talking stick. The stick is assembled by the whole family. Then, at the dinner table (or in the living room), the stick is given to each individual to report on their day, their worries, and their successes. When an individual has the stick, others (including parents) must listen respectfully. Then it will be the next person’s turn and so on. This exercise engages the brain, the family and helps to get a sense of how things are going on a daily basis.

3. Reward positive behavior. This means, catch your kids being good. Appreciate the things they accomplish. An example could be that they got up in the morning to go to school, they have achieved some of the goals that they proposed together; passion for a school project or extracurricular activity or helping around the house. Parents make big mistakes with their children by focusing on what they’re doing wrong. Out of habit, they primarily use negative attention. A child’s brain is wired to crave parental attention. Negative attention is better than none. Therefore, the behavior will continue to be displayed inappropriately to elicit some type of response. I have seen numerous children in sibling groups where one child is misbehaving and the parents are frustrated and constantly focused on this child. The other brother does well in school, socializes well, and survives, so he gets no attention. Is it any wonder that the troubled child continues to act negatively to get attention even though she is negative? Naturally, there is a difference between a child with psychological or even physical markers and a child who simply wants parental attention. Parents should take a critical look at the situation and, if necessary, have their child evaluated by professionals, including doctors to rule out something physical and a licensed mental health expert to rule out a psychological diagnosis.

Four. Encourage negotiation when appropriate. It’s okay for her son to convince him of something; if it is reasonable. Showing that you have some flexibility supports their growth as long as you stand firm on the important issues. Develop the idea that you trust them. This knowledge will go a long way in supporting your growth. This flexibility is not the same as “giving in” after you are exhausted on a specific topic. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If they see you babble, you have lost the battle and the war. Remember, kids count on their parents to give them structure and they’re smart enough to “make it work” until you throw your hands up in the air. Think of it as opposite sides of the same corner; if you stand firm on an important issue, when they really need something, they’ll know they can count on you.

Try to remember if the above are big changes from your previous behaviors, both the partner and the children will wonder. They are likely to engage in sabotaging you to return to “homeostasis” or the previous stable state. You will most likely meet resistance. Do not let this hinder your intentions.

The next article will focus on “helicopter parenting,” which allows young people to make their own mistakes as a tool for learning, overscheduling, and how we’ve become the teacup generation.