When young children are learning to walk, they fall a lot; it is a natural part of the learning process. As a parent, I remember feeling powerless to teach them and scared that my son might get hurt. My children are much older now, but they still fall a lot, both literally and figuratively. I still feel a little helpless and scared, and this is exactly how it should be. Trying to be a perfect parent is a trap: you will fail, and inadvertently could do a lot of harm to both yourself and your child’s well-being. Here are five tips to help you get out of the “perfect parenting paradigm” and into a much healthier family experience:
Allow children the dignity of their mistakes; sometimes it is necessary to let the children move and figure things out for themselves. I consider overprotective parenting to be a major problem in today’s society. Parents who “rescue” their children every time they face a challenge in life are robbing them of critical skills and valuable experiences. Clearly this is a balancing act, as you don’t want to be careless, but you don’t want to be too careful either. Practice backing up and watching your child struggle a little more often; This may be uncomfortable at first, but it will provide your children with important life skills.
Take a learning perspective toward life – Mistakes, when viewed accurately, are huge opportunities for learning and growth. Successful people take reasonable risks in life. The fear of making mistakes holds many people back: “playing it safe” is a recipe for mediocrity. When we teach our children to view mistakes as lessons, we give them a tremendous advantage in life. Consider the word discipline; comes from the word disciple, which means to teach. When a child does something “wrong”, I see it as a teaching opportunity. Help your children accept their mistakes as an indication that they may want to try something different in the future. Never confuse shame or punishment with discipline. Constructive and reasonable consequences must be applied consistently when children misbehave.
“I don’t know” is a gift: as a man in this culture, he often felt as if he was expected to know things that he could not possibly know. Growing up, the grown men in my life seemed to know everything. They seemed to have an answer for every question. I grew up with the burden of believing that as a man my job was to know everything. I was asked to fix or solve all the problems. It was not okay for me to “not know”. Whether you are raising boys or girls, I recommend that you “let them in” into your confusion. Assure them that you will “solve” it, but let them see how you solve problems and meet challenges. When your children ask you a question, empower them by asking what they think or how they think a particular problem should be solved. Resist the urge to be a “know-it-all” parent with the answers to everything.
Sorry it’s a blessing; don’t tell the children to excuse you, show it by asking for forgiveness. Learning to forgive yourself and others is a life skill that everyone should learn. Being a person of integrity is a challenge. It is difficult to take responsibility for our behavior. My wife and I are committed to responsibility – we hold our children accountable for their behavior and try to model personal responsibility. When we acknowledge our part in an argument, we build intimacy and trust. I like to say that apologizing helps us get to the “heart of the matter”: we abandon our defensive position and discover the humanity that underlies the behavior.
Your children are your teacher teachers – raising children is one of the most challenging things I have ever done in my life. My kids test me in every way, pushing “all the buttons.” Taking responsibility for my reactions is difficult. Most of us have learned to defend our insanity rather than explore and correct it. I want to grow as a person and my children constantly give me a mirror to see myself better.
The mere fact that you are reading this article is an indication that you are open to learning. Our culture has come a long way from the days when parents ruled with an iron rod and children were seen and not heard. However, today there is a tendency towards excessive parenting. Many of us parents are driven to try to “get it right.” But “getting it wrong” is a valuable part of the process. I recommend that you stop trying to be the perfect parent and embrace flawed perfection in the awkward moments, the gut-wrenching pain, and the utter confusion that parenting brings.