Once a cheater, always a cheater? Could we have found the reason why some people cheat and thus be closer to fixing this common problem?
The likelihood of someone cheating during the course of a relationship ranges from 40 to 76 percent, says Geneviève Beaulieu-Pelletier, a doctoral student in the Department of Psychology at the University of Montreal.
Have you ever found out that your partner has been cheating on you or cheating on you? Did you somehow think that you could be to blame? Perhaps you had the illusion that the temptation figure should be slimmer, sexier, smarter than you?
Did it ever cross your mind that your partner could possibly have felt something emotionally for this other person and that if you had somehow been a little funnier, spontaneous, or wild, their attentions would never have wandered off course in the first place?
1) Do you blame yourself? You are never to blame!
How would you feel if I told you that all of the above may be totally out of place and that your partner may have cheated to avoid straying too far from you? Sounds strange doesn’t it? And no, I’m not going to start making excuses for those who have broken marriage vows, but there is new evidence to support the fact that lovers can cheat while suffering with what is known as an avoidant attachment style personality.
What this means is that the person with this type of personality has had something ingrained in their subconscious, since childhood, that has allowed them to fear rejection, and therefore avoid commitment or attachment. We have all flirted with the fear of letting ourselves fall in love with someone at the risk of being rejected for who we are.
People with attachment personality types may have suffered some kind of loss in their first years of life and fear losing loved ones, and as difficult as it may seem to understand, the fact that they may throw themselves into the arms of another, It may actually be because their fear has kicked in and they are afraid of losing you.
2) Cheating keeps his love for you stronger than ever!
By being distracted by the initial buzz of an illicit issue, they can almost give themselves that high that distracts them from facing the real issue. On the other side of the coin, they also almost dabble in danger and flirt with the risk of discovery, thus engaging in what could well end up as self-sabotaging behavior. If they reject their loved one, then they cannot be rejected, so in a roundabout way, they can often end up being the catalyst for the very reason they started their affair in the first place.
Simply put, turning their attention to another often saves the relationship with the one they love (as long as they don’t get caught, of course!) Because by avoiding having to face their underlying issues, those feelings that make them want to run away .. They are able to tune out in that panic mode and then return to the safety of their love nest once they realize that they have really left and cheated.
3) Yes, we may have found the reason, but no, it is not acceptable! Help is at hand!
Of course, if you are the recipient of such behavior, all the theoretical explanations in the world will not help with the lasting damage that infidelity can cause not only to a relationship, but to both individuals as well. One thing that needs to be clarified is that if you suspect that your partner might be living comfortably within the avoidant attachment personality zone, then you cannot make excuses for them and allow them to get too comfortable there, even if you can try to understand it. .
Talking to your partner about your suspicions and making it clear that you are willing to support them in getting help is one way to handle things, but don’t allow yourself to become a doormat. If you think you can excuse his behavior at all times, you will soon find him repeating the cycle over and over again, until he can’t take it anymore.
4) It all comes down to FEAR. Are you going to let me kick your ass?
Understand together that the fuel that fuels the compulsion to run is fear and as long as fear is given this incredible power, then your partner (and yourself) is actually living as a victim of an emotion, an emotion that we can really learn. . to dominate.
Seeking some form of couples therapy would be a good place to initially see how to address this issue, and perhaps the cheater could work on the underlying issues through individual treatment.